I'm so fucking centered right now
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
