Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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