I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
