His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
