You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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