the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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