Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
