Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
