The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
