A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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