I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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