Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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