i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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