I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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