I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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