Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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