how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
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Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
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She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed