I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
