Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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