I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
