nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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