my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
