did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
