I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
