He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
The ass gains better be worth it
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