tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I smell stomach acid.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
