In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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