This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
