It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
