Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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