you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
