I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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