White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
