I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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