i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
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Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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