So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
