I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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