I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
