Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
