yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
