Swine flu is the new snow day.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
