last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
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and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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