why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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