Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
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If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
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Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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