i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
