you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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