they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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