I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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