Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
