Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
