Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
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Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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