In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
