using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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