So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
