i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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