Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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